im in *jewish hell* tbh.
where my god is missing.
he banished me forever.
but if a god has the power to curse me, he has the power to remove said curse.
he has the power to decide he was wrong or have a change of heart.
so i might just have to try to stay hopeful about that..
but god is so horrified right now.
hes worried.
god doesnt want to push his true love away forever.
because then hes ignoring that it is what it is.
hes afraid that ill be consistent and he will have to admit his own wrong-doing.
and god is a prideful creature, as guardian of truth.
how can he of all people be wrong about anything?
-hugging him-
is god wondering what hes missing?
can this hell be a heaven despite his lack, when i believe in him whether i see him presently or not?
hes fighting me so hard right now and thats the real tragedy here.
because we dont actually need to fight.
he doesnt know how to hold me.
holding me might resemble hugging a spiky thorny bush in his mind..?
its masochistic.. like asking to be hurt for no reason.
would he deny me my thorns and worship my flower from a distance?
declaw and detooth an endearing animal with no other means of self-defense?
he is not my enemy.
these defenses are not meant for him.
but it doesnt mean he cant be the one hurting me.
what do i do then?
do i declaw myself in my faith?
rip off my thorns, knowing he is always here to protect me?
id love to do that..
im just sad he sees it to be a necessity.
but maybe this is why he insisted i act more effimenate.
like a lady.. :)
his lady to protect.
if i can do that for myself what is there for him to do?
but he didnt really speak up in all that time.
he never truly defended me from my incestuous and self-entitled soul tribe members.
whats a *lady* to do here?
and to add insult to injury he convinced himself i purposely tempted those men to hurt him personally.
as if i wasnt angry about it too. he didnt know how much resentment i felt towards them.
but still he chose them, never me.
he even complained if he ever had to *stand up* for me.
i wanted him to be chivalrous.
just him.
but he asked me when my persistantly and borderline hostile competitive and ignorant soul tribe member was present.
tbh i was afraid of *dave*
*dave* actually threatened me before when i just wanted to playfully spar.
did *dave* feel so truly, deeply threatened by me?
he has an upperhand against me as it is, we both know that.
so why fear a lesser *opponent*?
to me *dave* is a fir bolg of sorts. i dont mean to be mean, but his complete disregard for my feelings, despite feeling entitled to attack my suitors is troublesome.
it is what it is, though.
maybe my love *karkat* is right.. ironically im safer without *karkat* than with him currently.
i will never truly disarm myself, but i will stop fighting him and this.
i submit to him, if he will defend me and my honor.
the irony is, he had the right idea, but by executing it improperly, he was actually being insultingly unchivalrous. :<
he thought i should choose between the two of them like that???
huh..
ok..
but i saw it as dave wanted to be obnoxious towards me again and karkat didnt know what was really happening..
i guess i assumed my choice was perfectly, clearly, obvious?
dave would never threaten karkat. that reassures me! ^___^
but i guess it seems like i chose dave and i cant undo that at all.
its between those two now, tbf.
dave enjoyed picking fights with outsiders, im beginning to see. funny i didnt realize it until just today.
im no harlot, lets be honest now?
im a poor wench who lost her honor due to internal conflicts and messy dramas that should have been completely unnecessary but happened regardless.
true love isnt pushy. how did dave miss that memo? its soo important to realize this in pursuit of love.
and how could he.. they really, insult their siblings so cruelly and with such firm hostility?
but we harbor no grudges or ill wills for them.
we are magnanimous in these confusing circumstances, despite the ensuing unfairness.
i shall watch them from this disheartening distance and desire the best for all involved in such miserable disputes.
maybe even some *redemption arcs* for my sisters and I, if applicable.
but hes terrified i could be resentful and angry towards him and could be vengeful somehow.
hes not seeing clearly at all!
his fears have clouded his vision. i hope hes not totally blind to his own light?
hes holding onto some tiny boulder for dear life and is scared witless to be pried straight off of it.
fear of flying.
fear of love.
he thinks he has to make a leap of faith. :P
that i might somehow let him fall into his own eternal void.
truth be told he really just needs to clear his vision and stop stubbornly clinging a tiny boulder for some false sense of security.
truth is, hes flying right now. he never had to make a leap. :)
and i dont want him to make any leaps, per se. :O
i WANT to say yes to him so i definitely will from now on, no matter how confusing the circumstances.
if he says something cryptic and/or confusing, even if it sounds super duper conflicted towards me, ill just be like *yes, we are together in all this, and entirely inseperable*
we werent really cursed, and this has never really been so ominous as we told ourselves. <3
mind defending my honor, karkles? :]
cause i do want that of you.